OK, OK, I’ll write about mobile phone etiquette! I guess by the number of people who’ve suggested it, it must be a matter of supreme importance. I wouldn’t have supposed that it was something that applied particularly to geeks, though; in my experience, it’s non-technical management and sales people who are most glued to their mobile phones. Well, whatever.

1. Pick an inoffensive ring-tone, for $DEITY’s sake. I don’t care how much you love the theme song from “The Simpsons”, I don’t want to hear it in all its tinny glory twelve times a day from the next cubicle. This goes double (at least) if you do in fact get that many calls. My cube-neighbours and I were just about ready to call down jihad on the guy who had… I don’t even know what it was, but it was something a particularly shrill rendition of “La Cucaracha,” and he’d leave it ringing on his desk when he went to lunch. Don’t make me come over there with the cluebat. Keep the ring-tone normal, the volume down, and keep the damn thing in your pocket on “vibrate” so you don’t need the equivalent of an air-raid siren to let everyone know you have a call.
2. I’m not going to tell you never to talk on your phone in public, because that’s insane. I can’t believe the number of etiquette columns that seem to think using your phone in the street is wrong. I mean, wtf? But when you are talking in public (street, bus, shopping mall) try and make it brief, don’t get into personal details (or for that matter, professional ones), and keep your voice as low as you can and still be heard.
3. What I said about personal and professional details… just let me re-iterate that. The phone somehow makes you think you’re having a one on one conversation, while everyone else on the bus is cringing at the detailed description of your strange rash or bankruptcy filing. If you need to talk about that stuff, just say “Hey, I’m on a bus, can I call you back later?”

Places to turn off your mobile phone:

• Movie theatres (duh)
• Concerts (if it’s loud you can’t hear the phone, and if it’s not loud it will disturb the performers)
• Any restaurant with tablecloths (or private party, for that matter)
• Places of religion and similar (churches, funeral parlours, etc)
• Graduations and other ceremonies
• Libraries, lectures, and examinations
• Job interviews and important meetings
• Planes. No, shut up with the technical arguments! Also other places where your phone may interfere with delicate electrical equipment, eg. hospitals.
• Anywhere that has a sign requesting or requiring you to turn off your phone.

Turning off your phone in the above places is not negotiable. Not to do so is inexcusably rude to the other people present. In many cases you may be able to get away with setting it to vibrate, and leaving the venue to actually hold the conversation, but the idea here is that you should be as unnoticeable as possible. This means, for instance, that you’ll need to arrange an aisle seat at the cinema/theatre/church/auditorium to be able to slip out easily. If you can’t do that, and there’s there’s no way to slip out unnoticed, then turn your phone off.

“But,” I hear you say, “What if the server crashes? We could get slashdotted at any moment!”

And now we get onto part 2 of mobile etiquette.

If your workplace requires you to be on call then they should be remunerating you adequately for putting your life on hold. This is basic consideration on their part. They’re stopping you from going to the movies, or out for a nice dinner, or having sex without the threat of work-related coitus interruptus, and acknowledging this is part of showing respect for their employees.

Now, of course, bosses are notoriously unwilling to pay for that sort of thing, so here are a few tips relating to that:

1. Ask at your interview whether you will be required to be on call. If you work somewhere where you have a written job description, make sure it’s written down there. And more importantly, if you’re *not* required to be on call, make sure *that’s* noted down as well.
2. Don’t give your personal mobile phone number to your boss or to anyone at work if you think there’s any likelihood they’ll call and wake you at 3am, or annoy you on weekends, or run up your phone bill. If you’re required to carry a phone for work, get them to provide it for you, and make sure they’re billed directly.
3. If you’re required to be on call, find out exactly what hours that entails. It might mean just office hours, or slightly extended office hours; it might mean during times of high load, or when there’s a new release; or it might mean all the time. Not all “on call” is alike.
4. Nobody should be required to be on call all the time. It’s not unreasonable to expect to be able to hand off to someone else from time to time.
5. You should be remunerated in some way for your on call time. The exact amount depends on your workplace, but make sure there’s *something* so that they remember that you’re going out of your way for them. For example, let’s say you’re required to be on call over a weekend, “just in case”. In recompense, you might try and get a half or full day off in the following week.
6. Asking for compensation for your time shouldn’t be difficult or embarrassing. Just make sure to do it ahead of time, and ask firmly and clearly. Boss: “I need you to be on call this weekend.” You: “OK, I think I can do that. Can I have a day off in lieu next Friday, to make up for my time?” Or, “I can do Saturday but not Sunday, unless I cancel some stuff. Does the company have an existing scheme to pay staff for this sort of thing?”
7. If you happen to be the boss or project team lead or whatever, the best thing you can do is be clear about your on call requirements, and try and give your staff as much notice as possible. As for remuneration, even if the company doesn’t have an official policy, your team will appreciate it if you at least unofficially give them some time off in lieu. You can usually do that “under the table” without needing any paperwork.

Since the bubble burst a few years ago, we’re seeing less expectation that geeks will happily work 80 hour weeks and have no life whatsoever in return for stock options and the faint possibility of future wealth. We’re not living in the 90s any more, and those tech companies that are still around after the shake-out have, for the most part, settled down to the idea of a more-or-less 40 hour week and reasonable compensation for overtime. So what that means is that we, as geeks, have less excuse than we used to for being antisocial with our mobile phones. I was horrible with mine in the late 90s, trust me. I like to hope I’ve grown out of that now, and I just wish the guy with the “La Cucaracha” phone on my floor would, too.