So, to that end, here goes table manners 101 for geeks. Just pretend it’s Dining Philosophers, OK?

First up, though, a disclaimer: I’m Australian, and the table service I’m used to may not be applicable to your location or culture. If you know of differences that I haven’t mentioned in the text below, please let me know.

What you see above is a standard formal place setting around these parts — or, actually, slightly fork-heavier than what I’d consider standard, but more or less what I’ll be talking about from here on.

The standard formal table setting consists of:

• a charger, plate, or empty central space
• a napkin
• a bread plate
• a glass or glasses
• a bewildering array of cutlery

Taking them point by point:

The plate will be directly in front of you. Or it might not be. There are basically three options when you arrive and take your seat:

1. They’ll have pre-emptively set out the plate for the first course.
2. There’ll be no plate, but perhaps an artistically arranged napkin or a nametag showing you your seat.
3. There’ll be a charger — an oversized plate that you don’t actually eat off. Other plates may be put on top of it, later.

Whatever happens, everything from here on relates to that central spot.

Somewhere in or near the central spot will be a napkin. Take it, unfold it — not entirely, just til it’s folded in half, either horizontally or diagonally — and place it across your lap. Do this soon after you sit down; don’t wait til someone’s about to serve your food.

At approximately 2 o’clock, relative to the central spot, will be your glass or glasses. Your glass(es) are always on the right. Don’t worry too much about what liquid goes in what glass; they have people to pour that stuff for you, so you can always just hold off and wait for a waiter to sort it out. (If people are interested, I can do a more advanced post about glasses later.)

At approximately 9 o’clock there may be a bread plate. I’m not sure if they do this all the time in North America, but it’s pretty standard here in Australia. It’s a small plate used for your dinner roll or other breadlike substances. There will probably be a butter knife associated with it, probably placed on top of the plate. The butter knife is smaller than the other knife, and may have a smoother, unserrated edge. Use your butter knife to butter your bread, then leave the butter knife on the bread plate.

(Here’s a tip regarding bread plates: it seems to be the thing most likely to be buggered up, and it can be really awkward if people are choosing a side at random. If possible you want to not only know which is your own bread plate, but be able to guide your fellow diners towards theirs too. One of the simplest ways to do this is simply to claim your own bread plate early, by taking a dinner roll from the basket in the centre of the table and calmly, confidently putting it on your plate. People will generally take the hint and the bread-plate-on-the-left clue will filter around the table somewhat more smoothly than it might otherwise have done.)

On either side of your plate will be a bewildering array of cutlery. Don’t worry, it’s not too hard. They’ll generally have set the table with the stuff you’ll need for the meal they’re serving. Start at the outside and work your way in, using whatever seems appropriate.

• If it’s soup for the first course, take the outermost spoon on the right hand side; the soup spoon might have a more rounded bowl than other spoons.
• An appetizer should have a small fork and/or knife towards the outside of the cutlery selection.
• Your main course (North America: “entree”) will probably require a knife and fork, and will use the largest knife and fork you see in front of you.
• Anything following the main course will use cutlery positioned inside of there: possibly a dessert spoon and/or fork. Dessert cutlery might also, optionally, be placed above the centre spot, at 12 o’clock.

If ever you’re unsure, just pick something relatively sensible and don’t mention it. There are very few people these days who actually care which fork you use, but what few of them there are will think you stupider if you announce your ignorance — “I never know which fork to use!” — than if you just pick something and eat.

Actually, that goes for other place-setting faux pas as well. If you get mixed up and take someone else’s plate or glass, just apologise quietly — “I’m sorry, I think I took your glass. Here, have mine.” — and swap with them; don’t make a big deal of it and it won’t be one.

So, to re-iterate, the vital rules are:

1. Napkin on your lap.
2. Glass(es) to your right.
3. Bread to your left.
4. Start with the outside cutlery and work your way in.

And, of course, put down your fork whenever you’re thinking.